Zymurgy For Dummies
by Red Witch
Summary: Shipwreck decides to teach the Misfit boys how to brew beer. You know this can't end well...


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or GI Joe characters has been pickled. Yes in a further attempt to make my fics even more insane I am bringing you this piece of nonsense in this fun one shot. Let me make this clear, I do not endorse minors brewing alcohol. In fact, this fic makes a good point why kids shouldn't brew alcohol! Or Shipwreck for that matter…**

**Zymurgy For Dummies**

"Come boys!" Shipwreck opened the doors to the garden shed. "It's time you boys became men!"

"Couldn't we just kill an animal or something?" Lance groaned as he, Todd, Fred, Pietro and Arcade walked into the shed. "Every time you try to cook outdoors we have to call the fire brigade."

"We are not cooking," Shipwreck looked at him. "We are going to practice a very old and great tradition! Since I look at you boys like my own sons I will teach you the art of Zymurgy!"

"Z-what?" Arcade scratched his head.

"It's a branch of chemistry concerned with fermentation," Shipwreck said in his most scholarly tone. "An art of brewing and distillery."

"It's a fancy word for making beer," Pietro told Arcade. "Or wine. Basically any type of alcohol."

"Like there's anything else more important," Shipwreck scoffed.

"Why am I not shocked?" Lance sighed. "How did Xi get out of this? Please tell me it's not just because he's not really a guy."

"Xi was too busy learning how to put on makeup and getting his nails painted," Shipwreck groaned.

"Yeah, that would do it," Lance sighed.

"But Shipwreck we're not supposed to drink beer," Fred told him.

"Nobody said anything about you kids drinking," Shipwreck corrected him. "You're just going to **make** the beer. **I'm **the one that's going to drink it so it's okay."

"Yeah, **there's** an example of responsible parenting," Lance rolled his eyes.

"This is an ancient Delgado family secret," Shipwreck told the boys as he set up the equipment. "How to make the best beer in the world!"

"I thought the ancient Delgado family secret was the identity of your real father?" Todd blinked.

"Althea blabbed didn't she?" Shipwreck groaned.

"Actually it was Trinity," Todd said.

"Of course, they would sell me out," Shipwreck nodded his head. "How much?"

"You don't want to know," Todd told him.

"Real father? You mean Shipwreck's adopted?" Pietro blinked.

"Yes by my Uncle Al," Shipwreck told him. "But that's another story."

"So what's the big secret about his Dad?" Fred asked.

"His Uncle Al turned out to be his brother Al," Todd said.

"Really?" Lance looked at Shipwreck. "How…?"

"Let's just say my Dad and I were both in diapers at the same time," Shipwreck groaned. "Can we get on with this?"

"Why do we have to do this?" Pietro asked. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the opportunity to make booze and cause an explosion but why us? Why not Althea? She's your daughter."

"Because it's a secret for **men!** Manly men!" Shipwreck thumped his chest. "Besides she already knows about it."

"You taught her before Little C was born when you didn't think you'd have any more kids didn't ya?" Todd raised an eyebrow.

"Got it in one," Shipwreck sighed. "I didn't think my wife would ever touch me again after the Ronald McDonald incident. But one night she got drunk enough to forget and…"

"The **what?"** Lance asked.

"Let's just say the Triplets and I are banned from a few McDonalds in the state for life and leave it at that, shall we?" Shipwreck told him.

"I have to admit Shipwreck, you're really raised the bar on our standards ever since we've joined the Misfits," Pietro snickered.

"The fact that we have standards at **all **now says something," Lance told him.

"Okay we're going to need a few things," Shipwreck took out some junk. "Some kettles, water bottles, water, sugar, malted grain, molasses, bubble gum flavor, cranberry juice, rock candy from the seventies…"

"That was a good decade," Fred remarked.

"Maple syrup," Shipwreck continued. "Soda pop…gunpowder…"

**"Gunpowder?"** Lance did a double take.

"Gives it a little kick," Shipwreck nodded. "Now where did I put those matches?"

"I wonder if it's too late to get a manicure from Xi?" Lance gulped.

"Ah forget the matches," Shipwreck took out a small blowtorch. "This should do. Now where did I put that propane tank?"

"I'm out of here!" Lance turned around and left for the door.

"Come on Lance you don't know what you're missing!" Pietro called out to him.

"I know what I'm missing," Lance said as he left. "A week in the infirmary!"

Lance went inside Misfit Manor where he saw Xi and the female Misfits happily painting nails. "Hey Lance," Wanda said. "What's going on?"

"You don't want to know," Lance groaned. Suddenly they heard a loud explosion. "Looks like I got out of there just in time."

"Got out of where?" Spyder asked. She looked out the window. "Whoa! Look at all that blue smoke coming out of the shed!"

"AAAHHHH!" Todd fled the shed being chased by a flying rocket powered kettle. He jumped into a tree to miss the kettle, which slammed straight into a jeep. A jeep which was being driven by Beach Head and had Duke riding in it as a passenger.

SLAM! POW! BOOM!

"Ooh! That has got to hurt," Angelica winced.

"I'm okay…" Beach Head said in a wobbly voice. "Oooh! Birdies…"

"Mommy I have a headache…" Duke said in a weird voice. "A real big one."

"Dad's making his famous brew isn't he?" Quinn asked.

"Yup," Althea watched the fireworks blasting out of the shed. "I'll call the paramedics."

"I'll alert the Air Force," Daria skipped away. "Tell 'em we're not under attack."

"I am so glad I got out of there," Lance gulped as a burst of fire blasted from the shed. Shipwreck and the remaining Misfit Boys ran for their lives.

"Dad wanted to show you the old secret Delgado family recipe didn't he?" Althea asked him.

"Yeah," Lance told her. "There goes the lawn."

"I did not know fire could turn green," Xi blinked.

"Well now you know," Wanda said.

"And knowing is…." Lance began.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shipwreck screamed.

"Very, very painful…" Lance winced.

"The real Delgado family secret is how we've all survived **this** long!" Althea rolled her eyes.


End file.
